Point Five (Dialup)

Hello, I'm world famous physicist Stephen Hawking.

It seems that Dr. Phat Tony, the highly esteemed professor of slacking off, at Alabama state university, has tagged me with a delightful Internet meme. It seems that I must list 8 random facts about myself, as well as tag 8 other persons with the meme. So, on to the random facts.

Number 1. I once ate an entire wedding cake, by attaching an industrial strength water pump to my feeding tube, after liquefying the delectible confection in a blender. Let's just say that is one bet that that son of a bitch Professor John Press-kill didn't win. And I only had diarrhea for three weeks afterwards.

Number 2. I don't like no skinny back sides. Give me a big butted girl any day. More cushion for the pushing. It's also helpful for a softer stop, on the off chance that my weel chair gets-stuck in forward.

Number 3. Me, and Nils Bohr once put a firecracker in the butthole of Shrowdinjer's cat. Quantum uncertainty, my ass.

Number 4. I've been to the Olive Garden. It's not really that good.

Number 5. If you're a man with a colostomy bag, it's not really a good idea to travel to high altitudes without some kind of pressure release valve.

Number 7. I strongly suspect I forgot number 6.

Number 8. The ending of the new Harry Potter book would have been much better if it had ended with a hot chick getting it on with a guy in a weel chair.

That's that. Now, I tag the following blogs:

1. The Physics Blog of Dr. Jules Fierra of the University of Barcelona.

2. Dr. Nigel Brooks, of Quantum-ality.

3. Professor Emeritus John C. Reilly of the University of Dublin.

4. Wonkette.

5. Peter Lyons, PhD., of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

6. Dr. Chandra Shavanakarastipetilasufakeriaka, Mumbai University

7. Lil' Jimmy, from the Poke-a-mon Blog

8. Myself, in the hopes-that I can prove my theory of recursive infinite feedback.

We'll talk again next week.

Hello, I'm world famous physicist Stephen Hawking.

Border security has been in the news a lot lately, and I've certainly heard a lot of misinformation being spread around. To clear up the confusion, the editors at Point Five thought it would be informative if I investigated personally what was going on at America's southern border. They also thought it might help disguise the fact that neither one of them has posted jack shit in weeks.

I thought the best thing would be to experience the dangerous border crossing first hand. I had quite a few frequent flier miles saved up from all my trips to the child- prostitution dens of Bangkok, so United Airlines gave me a free trip to Tijuana, where my journey began.

After a few days acclimating myself to the local hospitality, I was ready to attempt the dangerous border crossing myself. The fact that I found myself in desperate need of a massive dose of American-grade penicillin only added to the urgency. I contacted a local coyote-A named armando, who, for just 500 dollars, offered to smuggle me into America.

I'm sure you've heard of desperate immigrants sneaking their way across the border in the wheel well of cars, but I bet you never knew you could actually fit a person into the tire itself. Evidentally, you can.

Did you know that it takes exactly 235,467 rotations of the wheel on a Mercury Caprice to get from Tijuana, Mexico to Otay, Mesa, California? Neither did I. And you'd be surprised how fluid, the mixture of saliva, vomit and stress-induced diarrhea can be when you're spinning around inside a P 1 95 65 R15 uniroyal.

I may not know the exchange rate to your American Dollars, but 500 bucks has got to be the deal of a lifetime. I can't wait till next week, when I try to illegally enter from Canada.

We'll talk again next week.

Hello, I’m world famous physicist Stephen Hawking.

Holy crap I hate modern science. I was reading Greg Gutfeld’s site today, The Daily Gut, and he had a link to a story, that a group of asshole French mathematicians, had supposedly solved the mapping of the, Eee. Ate. Supersymmetry.

Sure, it took eighteen of them four years, just-to map the equation, and even that, had to be broken up to fit within the computational parameters of existing supercomputers. And of course, there’s no explanation of how they solved the mapping of the two hundred an forty eight dimensions that the object exists within.

You know, when I started this whole science thing, we had to do the freaking equations ourselves. Not simply plunk some numbers into a machine and let it do the computing for us.

Wait. Oh shit, I think I just peed my pants. I’ll have to get my nurse.

We’ll talk again next week.